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ground； and she would run among it； for pleasure because it was
there。 Yet again birds would be pecking at the cherries； her
father would throw cherries down from the tree all round her on
the garden。 Then the fields were full of hay。
She did not remember what had been nor what would be； the
outside things were there each day。 She was always herself； the
world outside was accidental。 Even her mother was accidental to
her： a condition that happened to endure。
Only her father occupied any permanent position in the
childish consciousness。 When he came back she remembered vaguely
how he had gone away； when he went away she knew vaguely that
she must wait for his ing back。 Whereas her mother； returning
from an outing； merely became present； there was no reason for
connecting her with some previous departure。
The return or the departure of the father was the one event
which the child remembered。 When he came； something woke up in
her； some yearning。 She knew when he was out of joint or
irritable or tired： then she was uneasy； she could not rest。
When he was in the house； the child felt full and warm； rich
like a creature in the sunshine。 When he was gone； she was
vague； fetful。 When he scolded her even； she was often more
aware of him than of herself。 He was her strength and her
greater self。
Ursula was three years old when another baby girl was born。
Then the two small sisters were much together； Gudrun and
Ursula。 Gudrun was a quiet child who played for hours alone；
absorbed in her fancies。 She was brownhaired； fairskinned；
strangely placid； almost passive。 Yet her will was indomitable；
once set。 From the first she followed Ursula's lead。 Yet she was
a thing to herself； so that to watch the two together was
strange。 They were like two young animals playing together but
not taking real notice of each other。 Gudrun was the mother's
favouriteexcept that Anna always lived in her latest
baby。
The burden of so many lives depending on him wore the youth
down。 He had his work in the office； which was done purely by
effort of will： he had his barren passion for the church； he had
three young children。 Also at this time his health was not good。
So he was haggard and irritable； often a pest in the house。 Then
he was told to go to his woodwork； or to the church。
Between him and the little Ursula there came into being a
strange alliance。 They were aware of each other。 He knew the
child was always on his side。 But in his consciousness he
counted it for nothing。 She was always for him。 He took it for
granted。 Yet his life was based on her； even whilst she was a
tiny child； on her support and her accord。
Anna continued in her violent trance of motherhood； always
busy； often harassed； but always contained in her trance of
motherhood。 She seemed to exist in her own violent fruitfulness；
and it was as if the sun shone tropically on her。 Her colour was
bright； her eyes full of a fecund gloom； her brown hair tumbled
loosely over her ears。 She had a look of richness。 No
responsibility； no sense of duty troubled her。 The outside；
public life was less than nothing to her； really。
Whereas when； at twentysix； he found himself father of four
children； with a wife who lived intrinsically like the ruddiest
lilies of the field； he let the weight of responsibility press
on him and drag him。 It was then that his child Ursula strove to
be with him。 She was with him； even as a baby of four； when he
was irritable and shouted and made the household unhappy。 She
suffered from his shouting； but somehow it was not really him。
She wanted it to be over； she wanted to resume her normal
connection with him。 When he was disagreeable； the child echoed
to the crying of some need in him； and she responded blindly。
Her heart followed him as if he had some tie with her； and some
love which he could not deliver。 Her heart followed him
persistently； in its love。
But there was the dim； childish sense of her own smallness
and inadequacy； a fatal sense of worthlessness。 She could not do
anything； she was not enough。 She could not be important to him。
This knowledge deadened her from the first。
Still she set towards him like a quivering needle。 All her
life was directed by her awareness of him； her wakefulness to
his being。 And she was against her mother。
Her father was the dawn wherein her consciousness woke up。
But for him； she might have gone on like the other children；
Gudrun and Theresa and Catherine； one with the flowers and
insects and playthings； having no existence apart from the
concrete object of her attention。 But her father came too near
to her。 The clasp of his hands and the power of his breast woke
her up almost in pain from the transient unconsciousness of
childhood。 Wideeyed； unseeing； she was awake before she knew
how to see。 She was wakened too soon。 Too soon the call had e
to her； when she was a small baby； and her father held her close
to his breast； her sleepliving heart was beaten into
wakefulness by the striving of his bigger heart； by his clasping
her to his body for love and for fulfilment； asking as a mag
must always ask。 From her the response had struggled dimly；
vaguely into being。
The children were dressed roughly for the country。 When she
was little； Ursula pattered about in little wooden clogs； a blue
overall over her thick red dress； a red shawl crossed on her
breast and tied behind again。 So she ran with her father to the
garden。
The household rose early。 He was out digging by six o'clock
in the morning； he went to his work at halfpast eight。 And
Ursula was usually in the garden with him； though not near at
hand。
At Eastertime one year； she helped him to set potatoes。 It
was the first time she had ever helped him。 The occasion
remained as a picture； one of her earliest memories。 They had
gone out soon after dawn。 A cold wind was blowing。 He had his
old trousers tucked into his boots； he wore no coat nor
waistcoat； his shirtsleeves fluttered in the wind； his face was
ruddy and intent； in a kind of sleep。 When he was at work he
neither heard nor saw。 A long； thin man； looking still a youth；
with a line of black moustache above his thick mouth； and his
fine hair blown on his forehead； he worked away at the earth in
the grey first light； alone。 His solitariness drew the child
like a spell。
The wind came chill over the darkgreen fields。 Ursula ran up
and watched him push the settingpeg in at one side of his ready
earth； stride across； and push it in the other side； pulling the
line taut and clear upon the clods intervening。 Then with a
sharp cutting noise the bright spade came towards her； cutting a
grip into the new； soft earth。
He struck his spade upright and straightened himself。
〃Do you want to help me？〃 he said。
She looked up at him from out of her little woollen
bon。
〃Ay；〃 he said； 〃you can put some taters in for me。
Looklike thatthese little sprits standing
upso much apart； you see。〃
And stooping down he quickly； surely placed the spritted
potatoes in the soft grip； where they rested separate and
pathetic on the heavy cold earth。
He gave her a little basket of potatoes； and strode himself
to the other end of the line。 She saw him stooping； working
towards her。 She was excited； and unused。 She put in one potato；
then rearranged it； to make it sit nicely。 Some of the sprits
were broken； and she was afraid。 The responsibility excited her
like a string tying her up。 She could not help looking with
dread at the string buried under the heapedback soil。 Her
father was working nearer； stooping； working nearer。 She was
overe by her responsibility。 She put potatoes quickly into
the cold earth。
He came near。
〃Not so close；〃 he said； stooping over her potatoes； taking
some out and rearranging the others。 She stood by with the
painful terrified helplessness of childhood。 He was so unseeing
and confident； she wanted to do the thing and yet she could not。
She stood by looking on； her little blue overall fluttering in
the wind； the red woollen ends of her shawl blowing gustily。
Then he went down the row； relentlessly； turning the potatoes in
with his sharp spadecuts。 He took no notice of her； only worked
on。 He had another world from hers。
She stood helplessly stranded on his world。 He continued his
work。 She knew she could not help him。 A little bit forlorn； at
last she turned away； and ran down the garden； away from him； as
fast as she could go away from him； to fet him and his
work。
He missed her presence； her face in her red woollen bon；
her blue overall fluttering。 She ran to where a little water ran
trickling between grass and stones。 That she loved。
When he came by he said to her：
〃You didn't help me much。〃
The child looked at him dumbly。 Already her heart was heavy
because of her own disappointment。 Her mouth was dumb and
pathetic。 But he did not notice； he went his way。
And she played on； because of her disappointment persisting
even the more in her play。 She dreaded work； because she could
not do it as he did it。 She was conscious of the great breach
between them。 She knew she had no power。 The grownup power to
work deliberately was a mystery to her。
He would smash into her sensitive child's world
destructively。 Her mother was lenient； careless The children
played about as they would all day。 Ursula was
thoughtlesswhy should she remember things？ If across the
garden she saw the hedge had budded； and if she wanted these
greenypink； tiny buds for breadandcheese； to play at teaparty
with； over she went for them。
Then suddenly； perhaps the next day； her soul would almost
start out of her body as her father turned on her； shouting：
〃Who's been tramplin' an' dancin' across where I've just
sowed seed？ I know it's you； nuisance！ Can you find nowhere else
to walk； but just over my seed beds？ But it's like you； that
isno heed but to follow your own greedy nose。〃
It had shocked him in his intent world to see the zigzagging
lines of deep little footprints across his work。 The child was
infinitely more shocked。 Her vulnerable little soul was flayed
and trampled。 Why were the footprints there？ She had not
wanted to make them。 She stood dazzled with pain and shame and
unreality。
Her soul； her consciousness seemed to die away。 She became
shut off and senseless； a little fixed creature whose soul had
gone hard and unresponsive。 The sense of her own unreality
hardened her like a frost。 She cared no longer。
And the sight of her face； shut and superior with
selfasserting indifference； made a flame of rage go over him。
He wanted to break her。
〃I'll break your obstinate little face；〃 he said； through
shut teeth； lifting his hand。
The child did not alter in the least。 The look of
indifference； plete glancing indifference； as if nothing but
herself existed to her； remained fixed。
Yet far away in her； the sobs were tearing her soul。 And when
he had gone； she would go and creep under the parlour sofa； and
lie clinched in the silent； hidden misery of childhood。
When she crawled out； after an hour or so； she went rather
stiffly to play。 She willed to fet。 She cut off her childish
soul from memory； so that the pain； and the insult should not be
real。 She asserted herself only。 There was not nothing in the
world but her own self。 So very soon； she came to believe in the
outward malevolence that was against her。 And very early； she
learned that even her adored father was part of this
malevolence。 And very early she learned to harden her soul in
resistance and denial of all that was outside her； harden
herself upon her own being。
She never felt sorry for what she had done； she never fave
those who had made her guilty。 If he had said to her； 〃Why；
Ursula； did you trample my carefullymade bed？〃 that would have
hurt her to the quick； and she would have done anything for him。
But she was always tormented by the unreality of outside things。
The earth was to walk on。 Why must she avoid a certain patch；
just because it was called a seedbed？ It was the earth to walk
on。 This was her instinctive assumption。 And when he bullied
her； she became hard； cut herself off from all connection； lived
in the little separate world of her