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mortification。
〃What do I pay for you to go to Nottingham for？〃 her father
asked； exasperated。
〃Well； Dad； you know you needn't pay for me；〃 she replied；
nonchalant。 〃I'm ready to stop at home。〃
She was happy at home； Ursula was not。 Slim and unwilling
abroad； Gudrun was easy in her own house as a wild thing in its
lair。 Whereas Ursula； attentive and keen abroad； at home was
reluctant； uneasy； unwilling to be herself； or unable。
Nevertheless Sunday remained the maximum day of the week for
both。 Ursula turned passionately to it； to the sense of eternal
security it gave。 She suffered anguish of fears during the
weekdays； for she felt strong powers that would not recognize
her。 There was upon her always a fear and a dislike of
authority。 She felt she could always do as she wanted if she
managed to avoid a battle with Authority and the authorised
Powers。 But if she gave herself away； she would be lost；
destroyed。 There was always the menace against her。
This strange sense of cruelty and ugliness always imminent；
ready to seize hold upon her this feeling of the grudging power
of the mob lying in wait for her； who was the exception； formed
one of the deepest influences of her life。 Wherever she was； at
school； among friends； in the street； in the train； she
instinctively abated herself； made herself smaller； feigned to
be less than she was； for fear that her undiscovered self should
be seen； pounced upon； attacked by brutish resentment of the
monplace； the average Self。
She was fairly safe at school； now。 She knew how to take her
place there； and how much of herself to reserve。 But she was
free only on Sundays。 When she was but a girl of fourteen； she
began to feel a resentment growing against her in her own home。
She knew she was the disturbing influence there。 But as yet； on
Sundays； she was free； really free； free to be herself； without
fear or misgiving。
Even at its stormiest； Sunday was a blessed day。 Ursula woke
to it with a feeling of immense relief。 She wondered why her
heart was so light。 Then she remembered it was Sunday。 A
gladness seemed to burst out around her； a feeling of great
freedom。 The whole world was for twentyfour hours revoked； put
back。 Only the Sunday world existed。
She loved the very confusion of the household。 It was lucky
if the children slept till seven o'clock。 Usually； soon after
six； a chirp was heard； a voice； an excited chirrup began；
announcing the creation of a new day； there was a thudding of
quick little feet； and the children were up and about；
scampering in their shirts； with pink legs and glistening；
flossy hair all clean from the Saturday's night bathing； their
souls excited by their bodies' cleanliness。
As the house began to teem with rushing； halfnaked clean
children； one of the parents rose； either the mother； easy and
slatternly； with her thick； dark hair loosely coiled and
slipping over one ear； or the father； warm and fortable； with
ruffled black hair and shirt unbuttoned at the neck。
Then the girls upstairs heard the continual：
〃Now then； Billy； what are you up to？〃 in the father's
strong； vibrating voice： or the mother's dignified：
〃I have said； Cassie； I will not have it。〃
It was amazing how the father's voice could ring out like a
gong； without his being in the least moved； and how the mother
could speak like a queen holding an audience； though her blouse
was sticking out all round and her hair was not fastened up and
the children were yelling a pandemonium。
Gradually breakfast was produced； and the elder girls came
down into the babel； whilst halfnaked children flitted round
like the wrong ends of cherubs； as Gudrun said； watching the
bare little legs and the chubby tails appearing and
disappearing。
Gradually the young ones were captured； and nightdresses
finally removed； ready for the clean Sunday shirt。 But before
the Sunday shirt was slipped over the fleecy head； away darted
the naked body； to wallow in the sheepskin which formed the
parlour rug； whilst the mother walked after； protesting sharply；
holding the shirt like a noose； and the father's bronze voice
rang out； and the naked child wallowing on its back in the deep
sheepskin announced gleefully：
〃I'm bading in the sea； mother。〃
〃Why should I walk after you with your shirt？〃 said the
mother。 〃Get up now。〃
〃I'm bading in the sea； mother；〃 repeated the wallowing；
naked figure。
〃We say bathing； not bading；〃 said the mother； with her
strange； indifferent dignity。 〃I am waiting here with your
shirt。〃
At length shirts were on； and stockings were paired； and
little trousers buttoned and little petticoats tied behind。 The
besetting cowardice of the family was its shirking of the garter
question。
〃Where are your garters； Cassie？〃
〃I don't know。〃
〃Well； look for them。〃
But not one of the elder Brangwens would really face the
situation。 After Cassie had grovelled under all the furniture
and blacked up all her Sunday cleanliness； to the infinite grief
of everybody； the garter was fotten in the new washing of the
young face and hands。
Later； Ursula would be indignant to see Miss Cassie marching
into church from Sunday school with her stocking sluthered down
to her ankle； and a grubby knee showing。
〃It's disgraceful！〃 cried Ursula at dinner。 〃People will
think we're pigs； and the children are never washed。〃
〃Never mind what people think；〃 said the mother superbly。 〃I
see that the child is bathed properly； and if I satisfy myself I
satisfy everybody。 She can't keep her stocking up and no garter；
and it isn't the child's fault she was let to go without
one。〃
The garter trouble continued in varying degrees； but till
each child wore long skirts or long trousers； it was not
removed。
On this day of decorum； the Brangwen family went to church by
the highroad； making a detour outside all the gardenhedge；
rather than climb the wall into the churchyard。 There was no law
of this； from the parents。 The children themselves were the
wardens of the Sabbath decency； very jealous and instant with
each other。
It came to be； gradually； that after church on Sundays the
house was really something of a sanctuary； with peace breathing
like a strange bird alighted in the rooms。 Indoors； only reading
and taletelling and quiet pursuits； such as drawing； were
allowed。 Out of doors； all playing was to be carried on
unobtrusively。 If there were noise； yelling or shouting； then
some fierce spirit woke up in the father and the elder children；
so that the younger were subdued； afraid of being
exmunicated。
The children themselves preserved the Sabbath。 If Ursula in
her vanity sang：
〃Il etait un' bergere
Et ronronron petit patapon；〃
Theresa was sure to cry：
〃That's not a Sunday song； our Ursula。〃
〃You don't know；〃 replied Ursula； superior。 Nevertheless； she
wavered。 And her song faded down before she came to the end。
Because； though she did not know it； her Sunday was very
precious to her。 She found herself in a strange； undefined
place； where her spirit could wander in dreams； unassailed。
The whiterobed spirit of Christ passed between olive trees。
It was a vision； not a reality。 And she herself partook of the
visionary being。 There was the voice in the night calling；
〃Samuel； Samuel！〃 And still the voice called in the night。 But
not this night； nor last night； but in the unfathomed night of
Sunday； of the Sabbath silence。
There was Sin； the serpent； in whom was also wisdom。 There
was Judas with the money and the kiss。
But there was no actual Sin。 If Ursula slapped Theresa
across the face； even on a Sunday； that was not Sin； the
everlasting。 It was misbehaviour。 If Billy played truant from
Sunday school； he was bad； he was wicked； but he was not a
Sinner。
Sin was absolute and everlasting： wickedness and badness were
temporary and relative。 When Billy； catching up the local
jargon； called Cassie a 〃sinner〃； everybody detested him。 Yet
when there came to the Marsh a flippettyfloppetty foxhound
puppy； he was mischievously christened 〃Sinner〃。
The Brangwens shrank from applying their religion to their
own immediate actions。 They wanted the sense of the eternal and
immortal； not a list of rules for everyday conduct。 Therefore
they were badlybehaved children； headstrong and arrogant；
though their feelings were generous。 They had；
moreoverintolerable to their ordinary neighboursa
proud gesture； that did not fit with the jealous idea of the
democratic Christian。 So that they were always extraordinary；
outside of the ordinary。
How bitterly Ursula resented her first acquaintance with
evangelical teachings。 She got a peculiar thrill from the
application of salvation to her own personal case。 〃Jesus died
for me； He suffered for me。〃 There was a pride and a thrill in
it； followed almost immediately by a sense of dreariness。 Jesus
with holes in His hands and feet： it was distasteful to her。 The
shadowy Jesus with the Stigmata： that was her own vision。 But
Jesus the actual man； talking with teeth and lips； telling one
to put one's finger into His wounds； like a villager gloating in
his sores； repelled her。 She was enemy of those who insisted on
the humanity of Christ。 If He were just a man； living in
ordinary human life； then she was indifferent。
But it was the jealousy of vulgar people which must insist on
the humanity of Christ。 It was the vulgar mind which would allow
nothing extrahuman； nothing beyond itself to exist。 It was the
dirty； desecrating hands of the revivalists which wanted to drag
Jesus into this everyday life； to dress Jesus up in trousers and
frockcoat； to pel Him to a vulgar equality of footing。 It
was the impudent suburban soul which would ask； 〃What would
Jesus do； if he were in my shoes？〃
Against all this； the Brangwens stood at bay。 If any one； it
was the mother who was caught by； or who was most careless of
the vulgar clamour。 She would have nothing extrahuman。 She
never really subscribed； all her life； to Brangwen's mystical
passion。
But Ursula was with her father。 As she became adolescent；
thirteen； fourteen； she set more and more against her mother's
practical indifference。 To Ursula； there was something callous；
almost wicked in her mother's attitude。 What did Anna Brangwen；
in these years； care for God or Jesus or Angels？ She was the
immediate life of today。 Children were still being born to her；
she was throng with all the little activities of her family。 And
almost instinctively she resented her husband's slavish service
to the Church； his dark； subject hankering to worship an unseen
God。 What did the unrevealed God matter； when a man had a young
family that needed fettling for？ Let him attend to the immediate
concerns of his life； not go projecting himself towards the
ultimate。
But Ursula was all for the ultimate。 She was always in revolt
against babies and muddled domesticity。 To her Jesus was another
world； He was not of this world。 He did not thrust His hands
under her face and； pointing to His wounds； say：
〃Look； Ursula Brangwen； I got these for your sake。 Now do as
you're told。〃
To her； Jesus was beautifully remote； shining in the
distance； like a white moon at sunset； a crescent moon beckoning
as it follows the sun； out of our ken。 Sometimes dark clouds
standing very far off； pricking up into a clear yellow band of
sunset； of a winter evening； reminded her of Calvary； sometimes
the full moon rising bloodred upon the hill terrified her with
the knowledge that Christ was now dead； hanging heavy and dead
upon the Cross。
On Sundays； this visionary world came to pass。 She heard the
long hush； she knew the marriage of dark and light was taking
place。 In church； the Voice sounded； reechoing not from this
world； as if the Church itself were a shell that still spoke the
language of creation。
〃The Sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were
fair： and they took them wives of all which they chose。
〃And the Lord said； My spirit shall not always strive with
Man； for that he also is flesh； yet his days shall be an hundred
and twenty years。
〃There were giants in the earth in those days； and also after
that； when the Sons of God came in unto the daughte