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and how the malicious would triumph ； how they would rejoice over the
punishment of my pride， over my humiliation for that want of esteem for
others with which I had often been reproached。 To hear all this ， Wilhelm，
uttered by her in a voice of the most sincere sympathy， awakened all
my passions ； and I am still in a state of extreme excitement。 I wish
I could find a man to jeer me about this event。 I would sacrifice him
to my resentment。 The sight of his blood might possibly be a relief to
my fury。 A hundred times have I seized a dagger ， to give ease to this
oppressed heart。 Naturalists tell of a noble race of horses that instinctively
open a vein with their teeth， when heated and exhausted by a long course，
in order to breathe more freely。 I am often tempted to open a vein， to
procure for myself everlasting liberty。
MARCH 24。 I have tendered my resignation to the court。 I hope it will
be accepted ， and you will forgive me for not having previously consulted
you。 It is necessary I should leave this place。 I know all you will urge
me to stay， and therefore I beg you will soften this news to my mother。
I am unable to do anything for myself ： how， then ， should I be petent
to assist others？ It will afflict her that I should have interrupted
that career which would have made me first a privy councillor ， and then
minister， and that I should look behind me ， in place of advancing。
Argue as you will ， bine all the reasons which should have induced
me to remain， I am going ： that is sufficient。 But， that you may not
be ignorant of my destination ， I may mention that the Prince of ——
is here。 He is much pleased with my pany ； and， having heard of my
intention to resign ， he has invited me to his country house ， to pass
the spring months with him。 I shall be left pletely my own master；
and ， as we agree on all subjects but one， I shall try my fortune ，
and acpany him。
APRIL l9。 Thanks for both your letters。 I delayed my reply， and withheld
this letter ， till I should obtain an answer from the court。 I feared
my mother might apply to the minister to defeat my purpose。 But my request
is granted， my resignation is accepted。 I shall not recount with what
reluctance it was accorded， nor relate what the minister has written
： you would only renew your lamentations。 The crown prince has sent me
a present of five and twenty ducats ； and， indeed ， such goodness has
affected me to tears。 For this reason I shall not require from my mother
the money for which I lately applied。
MAY 5。 I leave this place to…morrow ； and， as my native place is
only six miles from the high road ， I intend to visit it once more ，
and recall the happy dreams of my childhood。 I shall enter at the same
gate through which I came with my mother， when ， after my father's death，
she left that delightful retreat to immure herself in your melancholy
town。 Adieu ， my dear friend ： you shall hear of my future career。
MAY 9。 I have paid my visit to my native place with all the devotion
of a pilgrim， and have experienced many unexpected emotions。 Near the
great elm tree， which is a quarter of a league from the village， I got
out of the carriage ， and sent it on before， that alone ， and on foot，
I might enjoy vividly and heartily all the pleasure of my recollections。
I stood there under that same elm which was formerly the term and object
of my walks。 How things have since changed！ Then ， in happy ignorance，
I sighed for a world I did not know ， where I hoped to find every pleasure
and enjoyment which my heart could desire ； and now， on my return from
that wide world ， O my friend， how many disappointed hopes and unsuccessful
plans have I brought back ！
As I contemplated the mountains which lay stretched out before me ，
I thought how often they had been the object of my dearest desires。 Here
used I to sit for hours together with my eyes bent upon them， ardently
longing to wander in the shade of those woods ， to lose myself in those
valleys ， which form so delightful an object in the distance。 With what
reluctance did I leave this charming spot ； when my hour of recreation
was over， and my leave of absence expired！ I drew near to the village
： all the well…known old summerhouses and gardens were recognised again
； I disliked the new ones， and all other alterations which had taken
place。 I entered the village， and all my former feelings returned。 I
cannot， my dear friend ， enter into details ， charming as were my sensations
： they would be dull in the narration。 I had intended to lodge in the
market…place， near our old house。 As soon as I entered ， I perceived
that the schoolroom ， where our childhood had been taught by that good
old woman ， was converted into a shop。 I called to mind the sorrow ，
the heaviness ， the tears， and oppression of heart， which I experienced
in that confinement。 Every step produced some particular impression。 A
pilgrim in the Holy Land does not meet so many spots pregnant with tender
recollections ， and his soul is hardly moved with greater devotion。 One
incident will serve for illustration。 I followed the course of a stream
to a farm ， formerly a delightful walk of mine ， and paused at the spot，
where ， when boys， we used to amuse ourselves making ducks and drakes
upon the water。 I recollected so well how I used formerly to watch the
course of that same stream， following it with inquiring eagerness， forming
romantic ideas of the countries it was to pass through； but my imagination
was soon exhausted： while the water continued flowing farther and farther
on， till my fancy became bewildered by the contemplation of an invisible
distance。 Exactly such， my dear friend ， so happy and so confined ，
were the thoughts of our good ancestors。 Their feelings and their poetry
were fresh as childhood。 And， when Ulysses talks of the immeasurable
sea and boundless earth ， his epithets are true， natural， deeply felt，
and mysterious。 Of what importance is it that I have learned， with every
schoolboy ， that the world is round？ Man needs but little earth for
enjoyment ， and still less for his final repose。
I am at present with the prince at his hunting lodge。 He is a man
with whom one can live happily。 He is honest and unaffected。 There are，
however ， some strange characters about him， whom I cannot at all understand。
They do not seem vicious， and yet they do not carry the appearance of
thoroughly honest men。 Sometimes I am disposed to believe them honest ，
and yet I cannot persuade myself to confide in them。 It grieves me to
hear the prince occasionally talk of things which he has only read or
heard of， and always with the same view in which they have been represented
by others。
He values my understanding and talents more highly than my heart，
but I am proud of the latter only。 It is the sole source of everything
of our strength ， happiness， and misery。 All the knowledge I possess
every one else can acquire， but my heart is exclusively my own。
MAY 25。 I have had a plan in my head of which I did not intend to
speak to you until it was acplished： now that it has failed ， I may
as well mention it。 I wished to enter the army， and had long been desirous
of taking the step。 This， indeed ， was the chief reason for my ing
here with the prince， as he is a general in the service。 I municated
my design to him during one of our walks together。 He disapproved of it，
and it would have been actual madness not to have listened to his reasons。
JUNE 11。 Say what you will， I can remain here no longer。 Why should
I remain？ Time hangs heavy upon my hands。 The prince is as gracious to
me as any one could be， and yet I am not at my ease。 There is， indeed，
nothing in mon between us。 He is a man of understanding， but quite
of the ordinary kind。 His conversation affords me no more amusement than
I should derive from the perusal of a well…written book。 I shall remain
here a week Ionger， and then start again on my travels。 My drawings are
the best things I have done since I came here。 The prince has a taste
for the arts， and would improve if his mind were not fettered by cold
rules and mere technical ideas。 I often lose patience ， when ， with
a glowing imagination ， I am giving expression to art and nature ， he
interferes with learned suggestions ， and uses at random the technical
phraseology of artists。
JULY 16。 Once more I am a wanderer， a pilgrim， through the world。
But what else are you ！
JULY 18。 Whither am I going ？ I will tell you in confidence。 I am
obliged to continue a fortnight longer here ， and then I think it would
be better for me to visit the mines in——。 But I am only deluding myself
thus。 The fact is ， I wish to be near Charlotte again， that is all。
I smile at the suggestions of my heart， and obey its dictates。
JULY 29。 No ， no ！ it is yet well all is well ！ I her husband！
O God ， who gave me being， if thou hadst destined this happiness for
me， my whole life would have been one continual thanksgiving ！ But I
will not murmur —— forgive these tears， forgive these fruitless wishes。
She —— my wife！ Oh ， the very thought of folding that dearest of Heaven's
creatures in my arms！ Dear Wilhelm ， my whole frame feels convulsed
when I see Albert put his arms around her slender waist ！
And shall I avow it ？ Why should I not ， Wilhelm？ She would have
been happier with me than with him。 Albert is not the man to satisfy the
wishes of such a heart。 He wants a certain sensibility； he wants ——
in short， their hearts do not beat in unison。 How often， my dear friend，
im reading a passage from some interesting book ， when my heart and Charlotte's
seemed to meet， and in a hundred other instances when our sentiments
were unfolded by the story of some fictitious character ， have I felt
that we were made for each other！ But， dear Wilhelm ， he loves her
with his whole soul ； and what does not such a love deserve？
I have been interrupted by an insufferable visit。 I have dried my
tears ， and posed my thoughts。 Adieu， my best friend ！
AUGUST 4。 I am not alone unfortunate。 All men are disappointed in
their hopes ， and deceived in their expectations。 I have paid a visit
to my good old woman under the lime…trees。 The eldest boy ran out to meet
me： his exclamation of joy brought out his mother， but she had a very
melancholy look。 Her first word was ， 〃Alas！ dear sir ， my little John
is dead。〃 He was the youngest of her children。 I was silent。 〃And my husband
has returned from Switzerland without any money ； and， if some kind
people had not assisted him ， he must have begged his way home。 He was
taken ill with fever on his journey。〃 I could answer nothing， but made
the little one a present。 She invited me to take some fruit ： I plied，
and left the place with a sorrowful heart。
AUGUST 21。 My sensations are constantly changing。 Sometimes a happy
prospect opens before me； but alas ！ it is only for a moment； and then，
when I am lost in reverie ， I cannot help saying to myself ， 〃If Albert
were to die ？—— Yes， she would bee —— and I should be〃 —— and
so I pursue a chimera ， till it leads me to the edge of a precipice at
which I shudder。
When I pass through the same gate ， and walk along the same road
which first conducted me to Charlotte ， my heart sinks within me at the
change that has since taken place。 All， all， is altered ！ No sentiment，
no pulsation of my heart， is the same。 My sensations are such as would
occur to some departed prince whose spirit should return to visit the
superb palace which he had built in happy times ， adorned with costly
magnificence， and left to a beloved son， but whose glory he should find
departed， and its halls deserted and in ruins。
SEPTEMBER 3。 I sometimes cannot understand how she can love another，
how she dares love another， when I love nothing in this world so pletely，
so devotedly， as I love her， when I know only her ， and have no other
possession。
SEPTEMBER 4。 It is even so！ As nature puts o