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arly that this was the only thing in the world Trevor wanted to be doing。
He also saw the trajectory of the hammer： next stop； Zach's own beloved pineal gland； the spot where his third eye would be。 Zach slid off the other side of the mattress； scrambled around the bed； and tried to get to the door； but Trevor followed and blocked him。 The hammer crashed into the wall； tore through a drawing。 Brittle fragments of paper sifted to the floor。
〃WHAT ARE YOU DOING？〃 Zach yelled。
〃I'm finding out what it feels like。〃
〃WHY？！〃
〃Because I'm an artist；〃 Trevor said through gritted teeth。 〃I need to know。〃 He caught Zach's right arm and forced him back against the wall。 Trevor was only slightly bigger and stronger； but he seemed to have the mother of all adrenaline rushes pumping through his veins。 He raised the hammer again。
〃Trevor…please； I love you…〃
〃I love you too； Zach。〃 He heard genuine truth in Trevor's voice； saw the hammer descending and flung himself sideways。 The blow glanced off his shoulder； and the muscle sang with pain。
Trevor pulled the hammer back。 Zach got his left arm up； grabbed Trevor's wrist； locked his elbow and held Trevor's arm away with all his strength。 It was slippery with sweat and blood； hard to hang on to。 He stared deep into Trevor's eyes。
〃Listen to me； Trev。〃 His heart felt like a ripe tomato in a blender。 He gasped for breath。 Trevor strained against him。 〃Why do you need to know how it feels to kill somebody？ You have an imagination； don't you？〃
Trevor blinked； but did not stop shoving his body against Zach's。
〃Your imagination is better than Bobby's。 He might've had to do it to find out how it felt。 You don't。〃
Trevor hesitated。 His grip on Zach's arm eased the slightest bit； and Zach saw his chance。 Fight back for once！ his mind screamed。 Don't think about what he'll do to you if you fuck up！ You'll be dead for sure if you don't try； and so will he。 Just DO IT！
Zach let out a long wordless howl and drove his knee straight up into Trevor's crotch。 At the same time he shoved Trevor's arm backward as hard as he could。 The angle of the knee thrust was bad； but it caught Trevor by surprise and threw him off balance。 Zach twisted Trevor's wrist brutally； and Trevor lost his grip on the hammer。 It sailed across the room； hit the opposite wall with a loud crack； thudded to the floor。
If Trevor went after it； Zach decided； he would make a break for the door and try to get out of the house。 Maybe Trevor would follow him。 Maybe things would be saner outside。
Trevor's eyes were very wide； very pale。 He stared at Zach with something like admiration； something like love。 His gaze was hypnotic； Zach could not make himself move。
〃Fine then；〃 Trevor said softly。 〃I always imagined doing it with nothing but my hands。〃
He lunged。
Zach dodged aside and managed to get to the door； then through it。 Trevor was right behind him； blocking the way out； driving him down the hall。 He tried for the studio； thinking he could go out a window。 Trevor caught a handful of his hair and yanked him off his feet。 Zach's neck snapped back。 He stumbled heavily against Trevor； and Trevor pinned his arms。
〃I just want to know how you're made；〃 Trevor breathed in his ear。 〃I love you so much； Zach。 I want to climb inside you。 I want to taste your brain。 I want to feel your heart beating in my hands。〃
〃It can only beat in your hands for a few seconds； Trev。 Then I'll be dead and you won't have me anymore。〃
〃Yes I will。 You'll be right here。 This place preserves its dead。〃 Like hitting a SAVE key； Zach thought； and that reminded him of loops again。 Had some kind of homicidal loop been set in motion in Trevor's head？
And if it had； how could he interrupt it？
He felt Trevor's sharp hipbones pressing into his buttocks； Trevor's arms wrapped tightly around his chest。 For a moment the contact was nearly erotic。 He thought Trevor felt it too； his penis was stirring against the back of Zach's leg； growing half…hard。
Then Trevor lowered his head and sank his teeth deep into the ridge of muscle between Zach's neck and shoulder。
The pain was immediate； huge； hot。 Zach felt fresh blood trickling over his collarbone and down his chest； felt muscle fibers twist and rip； heard himself screaming； then sobbing。 He tried to drive his elbow back into Trevor's chest； but Trevor had his arms clamped tightly to his sides。 He tried to kick； and Trevor lifted him off his feet and dragged him into the bathroom。
He's taking me to his hell； Zach thought； and he's going to eat me there； he's going to rip me apart looking for the magic inside me； and he won't find it。 Then he'll fulfill the condition of the loop； he'll kill himself。 What a stupid program。
Trevor kicked the door shut。 The tiny room was dark but for the fragments of mirror in the tub； which seemed to suck in light； infect it with noisome colors and send it swirling back over the leprous walls and ceiling。 The sink was stained black with blood。 Zach wondered if the e was there too； dried to a translucent scale。
The pain in his shoulder ebbed a little。 Zach stopped struggling。 He felt dizzy； remote。 Trevor's hold on him was shoving his ribs up and crushing them inward； making it difficult to breathe。 He was going to die right now。 These sensations of pain and disconnection were the last he would ever feel； these fleeting； panicky thoughts the last he would ever have。
Stupid fucking program 。 。 。
Then Trevor slammed him into the wall face first； and Zach grayed out pletely。
Yielding flesh in his hands； hot with fear； sticky with sweat and blood and already smelling of heaven。 Helpless bones his to crack； helpless skin his to rip open； sweet red river his to drink from。 He had to do it。 He had to know。 With his eyes and his hands； with all his body； he had to see。
Trevor shoved Zach into the space between the toilet and the sink； his space。 He clawed at Zach's chest with his fingernails； ripped furrows in that smooth white skin。 Blood sparkled on his hands； sprayed across his face。 He pushed his mouth into the spray； lapped at it； then tore at the skin with his teeth。 It was easy。 It was right。 It was beautiful。
Zach's hands came up and tried to push Trevor's head away； but there was no strength left in them。 Trevor slid him farther back into the corner； into the cobwebs； felt tiny multi…legged things skittering away。 He ran his tongue over the long shallow wounds his fingernails had made on Zach's chest。 They tasted of salt and copper； of life and knowledge。
He stroked the concavity of Zach's stomach。 All the body's bountiful secrets； cradled between the pelvis and the spine。 He would sink his hands in to the wrists； to the elbows。 He would reach up under the rib cage and make the heart beat with his fingers。 He would find the source of life and swallow it whole。
〃Trev？〃 said Zach。 His voice was weak； paper…thin； barely there。 〃Trevor？ I can't fight you。 But if you're gonna kill me； please tell me why。〃
Trevor closed his teeth on Zach's earlobe and pulled at it； wondered how the soft little mass of flesh would feel going down his throat。 〃Why what？〃
〃Why pain is better than love。 Why you'd rather kill me for the thrill of it than try to have a life with me。 I thought you were brave； but this is some pretty cowardly shit。〃
Tears were trickling down the side of Zach's face； into the fine hair at his temples。 Trevor traced their salty path to the corner of Zach's eye； flicked his tongue over the lid； then sucked softly at the eyeball。 It would burst in his mouth like a bonbon。 He wondered if that amazing green would taste of mint。
〃To see everything；〃 Zach whispered； 〃you have to be alive。 If you do this to me； you're gonna die too。 Tell me you're not。〃
Maybe he was。 Of course he was。 But hadn't he always known this would be the last panel； the crucifixion and conflagration； the way his life was supposed to end？ And wouldn't it be worth it？
But suddenly Trevor remembered something Bobby had said to him in the other room； in the other house。 Birdland is a machine oiled with the blood of artists。
He looked down at Zach。 Blood had run down over Zach's face in thick black rivulets from a wound in his scalp。 Blood leaked from his nostrils and his torn mouth。 He had a lurid purple knot on one shoulder； an encrusted bite mark on the other。 His chest was crisscrossed with furious red scratches。 Where it wasn't cut or bruised； his skin was absolutely white。 His eyes held Trevor's。 His expression hovered somewhere between terrified and serene。
〃Whatever you want；〃 said Zach。 〃It's up to you。〃
The words jarred Trevor pletely from his dream of rending flesh； of crawling inside the body to find its secrets。 Because it wasn't just a body； he realized。 It wasn't a puzzle or an anatomy lesson or a source of mystical knowledge； it was Zach。 The beautiful boy he had watched strutting and moaning onstage tonight； smartass and criminal anarchist and generous soul； his best friend； his first lover。 Not a box of toys to tear apart； not a rare delicacy to rip open and devour still steaming。
And Zach was right。 Whatever Trevor did next would be his own choice； and he would have to live with it until he died； even if that was only a matter of minutes。 And if he died； would he go to Birdland？ He thought of Bobby； alone with those two broken bodies forever。 What if Trevor ended up in his own house； trapped with his own dead？
Yet Bobby had put the hammer in his hand and told him to go find out what it felt like。
Trevor imagined a crisp new autopsy report： Zachary Bosch； transient； 19 yrs 。 。 。 Cause of death： blunt trauma； exsanguination； evisceration 。 。 。 Manner of death： Murder 。 。 。
Was that what his father considered art these days？ Or was Birdland thirsty for blood to grease its cogs？
He shoved himself off Zach； out of the cramped space between sink and toilet。 He stared at his hands； and for a moment he thought they were slicked with Zach's blood； that he had sunk them deep into Zach's insides； that he had really done it； and woken up too late。 If I have any talent； any gift left at all； he heard his father saying； it's in you now。
Fuck that； he thought。 I'm not doing your dirty work。
He turned away from Zach and stepped into the bathtub。 Broken glass gritted and scraped beneath his bare feet。 Trevor stared down into the fragments of mirror； into the swarming light。 〃I won't do it；〃 he said。 〃I don't need to know what it feels like。 I don't need to draw it。 I can live it。〃
He made his right hand into a fist and drove it straight through the wall。
The damp old plaster splintered； sifted away； disintegrated beneath his knuckles。 It hadn't hurt at all。 He wanted it to hurt； he wanted the pain he had been so ready to inflict on Zach。
He fell to his knees and began slamming his fist again and again into the hard porcelain； into the broken glass。
Zach thought he heard a bone crack in Trevor's hand。 He tried to push himself up。 His head felt numb and leaden； his vision blurry。 He could not get off the floor to go to Trevor。
So； with the last of his strength； he crawled。
The tub seemed very far away； though Zach knew it was only a couple of feet。 He had to grab its edge and drag himself the last of the distance。 The porcelain felt loathsome； slick as teeth and cold as death； shaking with Trevor's blows。 Trevor's fist hitting the tub sounded like raw meat slamming into a stone floor now。 Zach clung to the edge with one hand； reached out and touched Trevor's back with the other。
Trevor whirled on him。 His face was contorted； his eyes crazed with grief and pain。 This is it； Zach thought。 He's gonna kill me now； and then beat himself to death like a moth against a windowpane right here where Bobby can watch。 Haw stupid。 How utterly useless。 He felt no more fear； only a great hollow disappointment。
But Trevor didn't grab him again。 Instead he just stared at Zach； his face almost expectant。 Something I said made him stop hurting me； Zach realized。 What can I say to make him stop hurting himself？
〃Listen；〃 he said。 〃Bobby killed the others because he couldn't take