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kly as if I had been hit； and clutched the pants into a ball in my hand to try and hide them。 〃Now get out！〃 He stood there； half blocking the entrance； while we shambled past him； broken people。
The manager banged the door of the box shut and got in front of us； thinking； I suppose； that we might make a run for it。 Two or three people had seeped out of the back seats into the foyer。 （The whole audience must have heard the manager's voice。 Had the seats below us heard the whole thing； the argument； the pause； then Derek's instructions what to do？ 1 shuddered。） The ticket woman had e out of her box； and one or two passers…by； who had been examining the program； gazed in from under the cheap colored lights over the entrance。
The manager was a plump； dark man with a tight suit and a flower in his buttonhole。 His face was red with rage as he looked us up and down。 〃Filthy little brats！〃 He turned on me。 〃And I've seen you here before。 You're nothing better than a mon prostitute。 I've a damned good mind to call the police。 Indecent exposure。 Disturbing the peace。〃 He ran the heavy words easily off his tongue。 He must have used them often before in his sleazy little house of private darkness。 〃Names； please。〃 He took a notebook out of his pocket and licked a stub of pencil。 He was looking at Derek。 Derek stammered； 〃Er； James Grant〃…the film had starred Cary Grant。 〃Er； 24 Acacia Road； Nettlebed。〃 The manager looked up。 〃There aren't any roads in Nettlebed。 Only the Henley…Oxford road。〃 Derek said obstinately。 〃Yes； there are。 At the back；〃 he added weakly。 〃Sort of lanes。〃 〃And you？〃 He turned toward me suspiciously。 My mouth was dry。 I swallowed。 〃Miss Thompson； Audrey Thompson。 24〃…I realized it was the same number that Derek had chosen； but I couldn't think of another…〃Thomas〃… I almost said Thompson again！…〃Road。 London。〃 〃District？〃 I didn't know what he meant。 I gaped hopelessly at him。 〃Postal district；〃 he said impatiently。 I remembered Chelsea。 〃S。W。6；〃 I said weakly。 The manager snapped his book shut。 〃All right。 Get out of here； both of you。〃 He pointed out into the street。 We edged nervously past him； and he followed us； still pointing。 〃And don't ever e back to my establishment again！ I know you both！ You ever show up again； I'll have the police on you！〃
The small host of sneering； accusing eyes followed us。 I took Derek's arm （why didn't he take mine？） and we went out under the hideous bright lights and turned by instinct to the right and down the hill so that we could walk faster。 We didn't stop until we got to a side street and we went in there and slowly started to work our way back to where the MG was parked up the hill from the cinema。
Derek didn't say a word until we were getting close to the car。 Then he said matter…of…factly； 〃Mustn't let them get the number。 I'll go and get her and pick you up opposite Fullers' on Windsor Hill。 'Bout ten minutes。〃 Then he freed himself from my arm and went off up the street。
I stood and watched him go； the tall； elegant figure that was once more proud and upright； and then I turned and went back to where a lane led up parallel with Farquhar Street toward the Castle。
I found that I still had my pants crushed in my hand。 I put them in my bag。 The open bag made me think of my appearance。 I stopped under a streetlight and took out my mirror。 I looked dreadful。 My face was so white it was almost green； and my eyes belonged to a hunted animal。 My hair stuck up at the back where it had been rumpled by the floor； and my mouth was smeared by Derek's kisses。 I shuddered。 〃Filthy little swine！〃 How right！ All of me felt unclean； degraded； sinful。 What would happen to us？ Would the man check on the addresses and put the police on us？ Someone would certainly remember us from today or from other Saturdays。 Someone would remember the number of Derek's car； some little boy who collected car numbers。 There was always some Nosy Parker at the scene of a crime。 Crime？ Yes； of course it was； one of the worst in puritan England…sex； nakedness； indecent exposure。 I imagined what the manager must have seen when Derek got up from me。 Ugh！ I shivered with disgust。 But now Derek would be waiting for me。 My hands had automatically been tidying my face。 I gave it a last look。 It was the best I could do。 I hurried on up the street and turned down Windsor Hill； hugging the wall； expecting people to turn and point。 〃There she goes！〃 〃That's her！〃 〃Filthy little swine！〃
Four： 〃Dear Viv〃
THAT summer's night hadn't finished with me。 Opposite Fullers' a policeman was standing by Derek's car； arguing with him。 Derek turned and saw me。 〃Here she is； officer。 I said she wouldn't be a minute。 Had to； er； powder her nose。 Didn't you； darling？〃
More trouble！ More lies！ I said yes； breathlessly； and climbed into the seat beside Derek。 The policeman grinned slyly at me and said to Derek； 〃All right； sir。 But another time remember there's no parking on the Hill。 Even for an emergency like that。〃 He fingered his mustache。 Derek put the car in gear； thanked the policeman and gave him the wink of a dirty joke shared； and we were off at last。
Derek said nothing until we had turned right at the lights at the bottom。 I thought he was going to drop me at the station； but he continued on along the Datchet road。 〃Phew！〃 He let the air out of his lungs with relief。 〃That was a close shave！ Thought we were for it。 Nice thing for my parents to read in the paper tomorrow。 And Oxford！ I should have had it。〃
〃It was ghastly。〃
There was so much feeling in my voice that he looked sideways at me。 〃Oh； well。 The path of true love and all that。〃 His voice was light and easy。 He had recovered。 When would I？ 〃Damned shame； really；〃 he went on casually。 〃Just when we'd got it all set up。〃 He put enthusiasm into his voice to carry me with him。 〃Tell you what。 There's an hour before the train。 Why don't we walk up along the river。 It's a well…known beat for Windsor couples。 Absolutely private。 Pity to waste everything； time and so on； now we've made up our minds。〃
The 〃so on；〃 I thought； meant 〃the thing〃 he had bought。 I was aghast。 I said urgently； 〃Oh； but I can't； Derek！ I simply can't！ You've no idea how awful I feel about what happened。〃
He looked quickly at me。 〃What do you mean； awful？ You feeling ill or something？〃
〃Oh； it's not that。 It's just that； that it was all so horrible。 So shaming。〃
〃Oh； that！〃 his voice was contemptuous。 〃We got away with it； didn't we？ e on。 Be a sport！〃
That again！ But I did want to be forted； feel his arms round me； be certain he still loved me； although everything had gone so wrong for him。 But my legs began to tremble at the thought of going through it all again。 I clutched my knees with my hands to control them。 I said weakly。 〃Oh； well。。。〃
〃That's my girl！〃
We went over the bridge； and Derek pulled the car in to the side。 He helped me over a stile into a field and put his arm round me and guided me along the little tow…path past some houseboats moored under the willows。 〃Wish we had one of those；〃 he said。 〃How about breaking into one？ Lovely double bed。 Probably some drink in the cupboards。〃
〃Oh； no； Derek！ For heaven's sake！ There's been enough trouble。〃 I could imagine the loud voice。 〃What's going on in there？ Are you the owners of this boat？ e on out and let's have a look at you。〃
Derek laughed。 〃Perhaps you're right。 Anyway； the grass is just as soft。 Aren't you excited？ You'll see。 It's wonderful。 Then we'll really be lovers。〃
〃Oh； yes； Derek。 But you will be gentle； won't you？ I shan't be any good at it the first time。〃
Derek squeezed me excitedly。 〃Don't you worry。 I'll show you。〃
I was feeling better； stronger。 It was lovely walking with him in the moonlight。 But there was a grove of trees ahead； and I looked at it fearfully。 I knew that would be where it was going to happen。 I must； I must make it easy and good for him！ I mustn't be silly！ I mustn't cry！
The path led through the grove。 Derek looked about him。 〃In there；〃 he said。 〃I'll go first。 Keep your head down。〃
We crept in among the branches。 Sure enough； there was a little clearing。 Other people had been there before。 There was a cigarette packet； a Coca…Cola bottle。 The moss and leaves had been beaten down。 1 had the feeling that this was a brothel bed where hundreds； perhaps thousands； of lovers had pressed and struggled。 But now there was no turning back。 At least it must be a good place for it； if so many others had used it。
Derek was eager； impatient。 He put his coat down for me and at once started； almost feverishly； his hands devouring me。 I tried to melt； but my body was still cramped with nerves； and my limbs felt like wood。 I wished he would say something； something sweet and loving； but he was intent and purposeful； manhandling me almost brutally； treating me as if I was a big clumsy doll。 〃A paper doll； for me to call my own〃…the Ink Spots again！ I could hear the deep bass of Hoppy Jones and the sweet soprano counterpoint of Bill Kenny； so piercingly sweet that it tore at the heartstrings。 And underneath； the deep pulse…beat of Charlie Fuqua's guitar。 The tears squeezed out of my eyes。 Oh； God； what was happening to me？ And then the sharp pain and the short scream I quickly stifled； and he was lying on top of me； his chest heaving and his heart beating heavily against my breast。 I put my arms round him and felt his shirt wet against my hands。
We lay like that for long minutes。 I watched the moonlight filtering down through the branches； and tried to stop my tears。 So that was it！ The great moment。 A moment I would never have again。 So now I was a woman； and the girl was gone！ And there had been no pleasure； only pain like they all said。 But there remained something。 This man in my arms。 1 held him more tightly to me。 1 was his now； entirely his； and he was mine。 He would look after me。 We belonged。 Now I would never be alone again。 There were two of us。
Derek kissed my wet cheek and scrambled to his feet。 He held out his hands； and I pulled down my skirt and he hauled me up。 He looked into my face； and there was embarrassment in his half…smile。 〃I hope it didn't hurt too much。〃
〃No。 But was it all right for you？〃
〃Oh； yes； rather。〃
He bent down and picked up his coat。 He looked at his watch。 〃I say！ Only a quarter of an hour for the train！ We'd better get moving。〃
We scrambled back onto the path and as we walked along I pulled a b through my hair and brushed at my skirt。 Derek walked silently beside me。 His face under the moon was now closed； and when I put my arm through his there was no answering pressure。 I wished he would be loving； talk about our next meeting； but I could feel that he was suddenly withdrawn； cold。 I hadn't got used to men's faces after they've done it。 I blamed myself。 It hadn't been good enough。 And I had cried。 I had spoiled it for him。
We came to the car and drove silently to the station。 I stopped him at the entrance。 Under the yellow light his face was taut and strained and his eyes only half met mine。 I said； 〃Don't e to the train； darling。 I can find my way。 What about next Saturday？ I could e down to Oxford。 Or would you rather wait until you're settled in？〃
He said defensively； 〃Trouble is； Viv； things are going to be different at Oxford。 I'll have to see。 Write to you。〃
I tried to read his face。 This was so different from our usual parting。 Perhaps he was tired。 God knew I was！ I said； 〃Yes； of course。 But write to me quickly； darling。 I'd like to know how you're getting on。〃 I reached up and kissed him on the lips。 His own lips hardly responded。
He nodded。 〃Well； so long； Viv；〃 and with a kind of twisted smile he turned and went off round the corner to his car。
* * *
It was two weeks later that I got the letter。 I had written twice； but there had been no answer。 In desperation I had even telephoned； but the man at the other end had gone away and e back and said that Mr。 Mallaby wasn't at home。
The letter began； 〃Dear Viv； This is going to be a difficult letter to write。〃 When I had got that far I went into my bedroom and locked the door and sat on my bed and gathered my courage。 The letter went on to say that it had been a wonderful summer and he would never forget me。 But now hi